Rocking out to Pendulum and Arctic Monkeys...

I have just eaten all my hospital food for the first time ever the morphine must make it taste nice lol. I had lasagne which i don't usually eat and i loved it followed by some custard and a cig for my pudding. I feel nice and floaty from the morphine. I think it makes music sounds a lot better quality than usual as well lol. I am listening to pendulums album 'Imersion' and i have asked Tom to get Trivial Pursuit for later as long as he doesn't win. He has been undefeated since his uni days but he aint allowed to win against me lol. I feel like the words are zooming across the page lol. Sharon will be here soon hopefully with a baloon that i have requested as i have always wanted one when i am in hospital lol. I have requested a teddy bear off  Tom but he told me where to go lol. I hope Bell Amie get voted off X factor tonight. I can't have a bet this week as gambling sites are banned at hospital : ( I hope that today doesn't go too slowly but i don't think it will as the morphine makes it feel like everything i am doing is in fast forward. Can anyone sugegst anything good on the tv tonight that i can watch after X Factor?

Spending the weekend in hospital fun times...

Well well well...what a day only went for my bloods doing and i am spending the weekend here now. Well at least i get free food, tv and fit doctors lol. I am being kept in for a few tests doing and to get some morphine in my system which i am quite looking forward to at least time will fly by if i am off ma head lol. A typical Friday night for me (well used to be in the past) now i am a rite little domestic cleaning godess with a set bedtime every night. I have severe pain in all my bones especially my ribs so i will be having a ultrasound done on Monday to check out my spleen size. I am having a scan of my head done on Monday to see if they can work out what is wrong with my eyes as it is a mystery still. Got bruising like a panda but my platelets are over 700 so going on aspirin for that. The morphine will take away the bone pain which has being caused by my overactive bone marrow misbehaving itself. I also have my wisdom teeth playing up so i can add that to my bag of problems lol. I feel bloody brilliant apart from all that hah. I am just trying to get some iv anti sickness as i am adiment that is the only thing that will work. I jsut wnat to feel gorgeous for 10 mins and i will be happy. I have my tunes on and trying to read X Factor magazine could do with my Nan's magnifying glass though to be honest. Just had success with getting iv anti sickness so awaiting doctor sorting it now so i should have my 10 mins of feeling good now lol. Will update in a short while as i feel a bit boz-eyed (however you spell it)

Just seen my new baby cousin for the first time...

Awww Laizel was so cute i even had a little hold until she started crying which was the perfect time to hand her back to her mummy lol. Laizel was born on Sunday nite so  i was really nervous about holding her as she looked so fragile. 'Laizel' means God is bountiful so she has a beautiful and strong name which is what i am sure she will be. Evie was an amzing foot rest for me today lol, i would like to add that it was her idea and not mine. I am actually very nice to her...most of the time. When we argue i always manage to come down to her level i am afraid to say lol. I am really missing Tom but he is working hard at the horse sales doing what i am good at...shopping! I will be reunited with him on Friday though so not long now and i will be excited to see what horses he has bought. I jokingly said that we should set up our own horse sanctuary for ex race horses lol. I have hospital on Friday for my weekly bloods to see if the hydroxycarbamide is kicking the white cells butt! I hope so as don't think i can tolerate a even higher dose. I am not sleeping either at the moment even though i am tired all the time. It could be the night sweats i guess or just my overactive mind keeping me awake. I had a lovely day with Corinne yesterday it didn't feel like years since we had last seen each other. I had a chicken caeser salad which i didn't eat as the lettuce was all brown n manky. A member of bar staff asked if it was ok and i expalained that i couldn't eat it because of my leukaemia. He offered to replace it so i just asked for a free drink instead lol. I guess stating i had leukaemia was for something good for once lol. I can't wait to meet up with Corinne again before the transplant as we had a rite laugh.

Feeling refreshed after a good nights sleep but my mind doesn't...

Feel really happy as had a lovely nights sleep and had a lovely relaxing bath to soothe my aches and pains. I feel as though the citalopram is working already, just need my skin to behave next. I have being worrying all weekend about what will happen if the donor fails the medical and if my CML goes in to the blast phase. I am scared that if the donor fails that  i will die cos they wont find another one in time. I am also s**t scared that the transplant wont work cos i am now in the accelerated phase so it is too late to cure me. I am going out of my mind with worry and don't know what to do. The sooner i have a shrink the better as that may help me stop worrying. I know it is normal to feel like this but it doesn't make it any easier. I think i need to speak to Dr Cook about the success rate of the transplant for someone in the accelerated phase of the disease and about what happens if this donor fails the medical. How long would i have to wait for the transplant if this happend? What happens if i end up in the blast phase? I know your probably thinking don;t think about the what if's? But for me the what if's could turn out to be very real as i have had no good news for 2 years and felt like i am dying for the last 6 months.

Awake most of the night AGAIN...

Had another restless nights sleep so gave in at 6AM and turned the laptop on to play farmville like a true addict lol. I need to start going to the gym or something as i think that would help me to sleep a bit better as well. I think that the night sweats and the higher dose of chemo has irritated my skin as was itching all night and i am still red now. I wonder what i can do to help it? I set the fire alarm off last night as burnt our food which was burgers and chips. The burgers shrunk to the size of a penny and the chips were raw so i let Tom off when he didn't want to eat it lol. I am actually really good at cooking beleive it or not lol. I am sure you all want to come to tea at mine now hah. I couldn't stop laughing at strictly come dancing last night when Anne widdecombe (however you spell it,probably worked out by now spelling is not my strong point lol) was referred to as ET's Mum and a dancing hippo lmao. I thought X factor was pretty dull to be honest.There are only 3 decentr acts on it and they wont win cos all young girls will vote the boyband no doubt. I will have to create a record company for Mary and Matt lol. I am going to have a go at not setting the fire alarm off shortly when i cook lunch as my ears have only jsut recovered from last night. Congratulations to my Uncle Matt and Auntie Belinda who had a baby girl at 12.30AM this morning, i hope i get to see her this week, will let them get settled at home first. That is all for now in the land of Lauren x

Having a glass of cider and listening to 80's music can't get better than this lol ...

I think i must be allergic to the cider as developed a rash since having one sip of it lol. I have had a productive day as did some cleaning before i went to doctors as Tom has a friend staying next week for horse sales. I don't want it looking like a bachelor pad, do i! I am going to see my friend Corinne next week on my way up North as i haven't seen her in years so i am really looking forward to that. I don't fancy being at home during horse sales as  i would be very bored and wouldn't have anything to distract my mind as have no friends down here who i can see. I hope that Tom and Seb have a nice time at the sales though and don't have too much fun without me lol. I went to the doctors earlier about eyes but nothing wrong with them so i guess that is good, but why are they hurting then? I got some happy pills so hopefully they will kick in next week and i will feel invincible lol. I need to find something else to do apart from farmville otherwise i might actually enjoy bin in hospital as it will be a home away from home haha. I think i am going to ask Tom really nicely for some guitar and drums for the wii when i go into hospital as long as i dont annoy the patients lol. They can't kick me out i hope... Gonna get back to my music session now but just want to say how touched i was by Hannah Kelly's message she left on here, it made me cry when i read it. Thank you Hannah and everyone that has left such heart felt messages i had no idea that so many people really do care x

Received a exciting phone call...

I would like to say a HUGE HUGE THANKYOU to Frank Jeffers for giving me Penny Bustin's contact details. I sent her an email with all the info about the blog and explained how much i wanted to raise bone marrow awareness and continue Adrian Sudbury's campaign work. I recieved a phone call from Penny at teatime saying that they are interested in my story and would like to film the transplant so they can follow my progress. Penny is now going to speak to Andy at Leeds the media guy to see what they can and cannot film etc etc. I cannot believe that this has happend so thankyou Frank. It is going to be amazing if it is filmed professionaly so thankyou Penny for getting in touch and her kind words on the phone.

I woke up in a frightful mood this morning as Tom is well aware of as he was at the recieving end of it. I don't think it helped when i did some more research on CML and read that if you are in the accelerated phase of the disease then the transplant is less effective than when you are in the chronic stage. I know i said that i was sort of expecting yesterday to be bad news but i had kinda forgot about the BMB result until i got there. I thought that i had recieved all the bad news i could possibly recieve but i was wrong. I am finding it very hard to be positive now as i can't stop thinking about dying and feel that i need to plan my funeral etc. I just don't know how to not think about dying as it is worst when i am trying to go to sleep. I get myself in a panic that i am not going to wake up again. It is really scary and someone my age shouldn't be thinking about stuff like this, it is so unfair! I have made an appointment with my GP tomorrow so i can get soem happy pills as i don't want to be on sleeping tablets anymore as i want to make the most of my last few weeks of freedom and not sleep my way through them lol. I hope the happy pills sort me out and i hope that the eye ache is nothing serious. I am worried that i am having bleeding behind my eyes like i have had in the past so lets hope i wrong for once lol.

More Bad News!

Went to St James's for my bloods doing today and Dr Smith explained my bone marrow result. The result wasn't good news but i had sort of been expecting it. This didn't make it any easier to hear but at least i was prepared for it so didn't cry in front of Dr Smith lol. The Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia is now in the accelerated stage of the disease which means the transplant cannot be delayed anymore as my leukaemia is no longer stable as it has been for 2 years. What does all this mean you are probably thinking? I will now explain in the easiest way possible and i appologise for spelling mistakes but a bit upset now i am talking about it.

CMLhas 3 stages of the disease. I was diagnosed in the 'chronic' stage which usually stays stable for about 4 years before it changes. During the 'chronic' stage blood counts are steady and you can live a normal life. When it to moves the accelerated stage the bone marrow will start producing lots of immature cells and you will have 15% Basophils present in your BMB. I have 14% Basophils present so from that and the amount of immature blood cells in my blood that is why Dr Smith can see that the change to the accelerated phase has taken place. The night sweats and bone pain i have being experiencing is all related to the 'accelerated' phase. My white count has gone up to 58 since the other week which shows that the drugs are having a  lesser effect on the CML and the counts are now harder to control and will fluctuate more due to the leukaemia becoming more active. The transformation can last 6-24 months before going in to the blast phase. In the blast phase you have about 6 months to live. CML can also go from the'chronic' phase straight to the 'blast phase'.
I am hopeful that i will not experience the blast phase as i hope the donor passes the medical and i can get back on the road to success. I am going now so i can watch Jaws. A nice happy film to cheer me up lol

Went to the CML support group in my new panda hat lol

Had a nice time at the CML support group last night, it was very very busy! It was the biggest one yet which was great. Dr Smith did an amazing talk as usual and used his favourite word 'Tickety Boo' lol. I remember when he said that everything will turn out 'tickety boo' for me, i hope it still does. I turned up in my all in one scarf hat that has a panda face and ears stitched on it. I invested in this accessorie yesterday for a mere bargain of £30! I thought it would be a great way of keeping my head warm after chemo and also a great way to embaress Tom when we go places lol. I was really sad Sharon couldn't make the support group as she always makes me laugh when i see her and i aint seen her since the last meeting. I will arrange something so i can see her before transplant though so we can have a natter. I have had a nice relaxing day as my eyes are in agony for some unknown reason. I will go back to specsavers or get Dr Smith to check they are ok on Wed. I have had little bleeds at the back of my eyes before so it is a little worry that it could be that again. I need to invest in some sunglasses lol. Going to go get Evie from school soon and eat lots of popcorn when we get back and watch Hannah Montanna, which i am ashamed to stay but find really funny to watch.
My cold seems to be back so not imopressed with that as it makes me so sleepy which aint a good thing when you are entertaining Evie lol. I am going to request a spleen scan on Wed as it is all very well Doctors saying 'it is enlarged'. They don't then get a ruler out and measure it for me lol. I am concerned that it is causing problems with my stomach again. I will ask for a eye test as well while i am there and i think that is all for this week hah. Got to go as Mum rushing me now to get a move on so i am ready to get Evie Laters x

I may be a bit more poorly than usual this week but that dint stop me going to shop for cigs today lol

I made sure i got some cigs earlier and i haven't even had one yet. I guess that is a good thing though lol. I think it is cos i am lazy and can't be bothered going outside to have one lol. I think that i am going to have to go back on my anti-depressants cos started feeling stuff i don't want to. The tablets obviously made me numb. Bring on the happy pills! I don't feel like i have a urine infection anymore so just the cold to shake off next. Got Church for the first time in forever tomorrow, i would go more often if it wasn't 3 hours away lol. Going to have some healing oils on my head during pray. I don't think it will get rid of the cancer but it may help get rid of the cold hopefully ; )
Looking forward to my CML support group on Monday night at 7PM at St James Leeds (incase anyone on here with CML wants to go). It will be really nice to see Sharon and the gang before the transplant. Dr Smith is talking at this one so that is a bonus lol. I can't believe how close it is to xmas, i love the lights at night time and putting decorations up. I will probs miss out on that this year but as long as i have good health next xmas it is a sacrifice i am willing to make. I think apart from good health i would like Aragon (from Lord Of The Rings) or Sean Bean for xmas lol. A trip to Euro Disney again would be amazing or see a show in London. Dreams aside i would love lots of DVD'S and WII games to keep me occupied whilst i am in hospital, and a giant teddy bear bigger than me cos always wanted one since i was a kid lol.

Gonna get back to X Factor now, not that any of the acts have particuarly stood out to me so far. Mary will be brill when she performs that i am sure of. Everytime i hear her sing she makes me wanna cry so i hope she wins so that i can listen to her album when i am in hospital.

A bit of hope...

Had a call from Karen my transplant co-ordinater today. I have a new transplant date which is the 26th November, this means i will go into hospital on the 18th of November for my hickman line fitting, and then start my total body irradiation for a week and spend the next 6 weeks in isolation. I am not going to think about the transplant taking place until i get the donor clearance on the 8th November. I am not strong enough for any more bad news so please please pray or keep your fingers crossed that it really is third time lucky. Don't get me wrong i want to get all excited that i have a date and a donor but i just can't set myself up for another fall right now. Well at least i don't have to decide where i am going to spend xmas this year as i will be in hospital lol. I hope santa knows where to find me though, othawise i will be very upset lol.

Just watched a rite upsetting film called The Last Song with Miley Cyrus in (Tom really fancies her) and i don't know if my nose is all snotty from that or my man flu. I have watched 2 kids films today so you can now see how boring my life really is. Furry Vegeance was the first film and i found that really funny which aint good for someone my age surely lol. Haven't had a cig since sometime yesterday but think i'm gonna have one now just cos i am bored basically. I actually don't need to smoke as i tend to be just a evening smoker (2 before bed) but if i didn't have those cigs tonight i would get really stressed. I always have the perfect answer as well if anyone questions why i am smoking. I say why not it isn't like i am going to get cancer twice is it? I will have my last cig the day i go in for the transplant as there is no going back as i can't leave my room lol.
Right gonna go now but if anyone wants to ask owt just comment on here or facebook.

Just want to say thankyou to my friend Lisa Stones who has just signed up to be a bone marrow donor on the anthony nolan site.www.anthonynolan.org follow in Lisa's footsteps and SAVE A LIFE!!!

Anthony Nolan Launches Saliva Testing | Anthony Nolan

Anthony Nolan Launches Saliva Testing Anthony Nolan

Thank you to James Hazell for having me on his show today

I don't know how i did but will listen to myself shortly to see how i sounded. Thank you for the kind comments i have recieved off family so far, keep them coming as it is nice to hear from people even if i don't know you.
I am just going to re-explain my knowledge of how to become a donor as it will be easier for everyone to access if it is the first post of the day. Right so to go on the anthony nolan register (www.anthonynolan.org) you send a saliva sample to begin with, or the next time you give blood then ask the unit to also put you on the bone marrow register. 1 in 1,000 people will be asked to be a donor so i think it is worth giving that saliva sample as it is pain free and you may not be needed for another 20 years. To donote the stem cells if you are requested to be a donor, can be done in 2 ways (whichever you choose) Blood- you will have injections a week prior to donating. This is to get your blood producing more cells than you normally would. When you donate the stem cells you are hooked up to a machine for about 4 hours which seperates the stem cells and puts your blood back through your other arm. I have had a similar procedure done to seperate all my white cells when i was producing to many. I found it very boring as i couldn't move my arms but wasn't in any pain afterwards and was fine the next day. Bone- You will be under general anasthetic for this, so that is the risk like with any other procedure done under anasthetic. They will take the stem cells from usually 6 different parts of the hip bone and you will be sore for about 5 days after the procedure. I have given 3 bone marrow samples before and it is a simialr procedure apart from i was awake. I was having 50x less taken than a donor would and i only had 1 punture site on my hip. I was sore for a few days but nothing serious. I will be posting the footage of the sample i had taken, so that it may help people understand a bit more about the procedures involved for bone marrow donors. I hope to encourage more people to join the bone marrow register in the future.

Just a reminder about radio on wed ..

Just to say again that i will be on BBC Radio Suffolk at 10.15 am on wed, i will be a celeb soon lol. I really hope that i do well with my campaigning that will hopefully take off soon after radio appearances and being on the BBC website, i have now had nearly 3,000 page views on here which i can't believe. I didn't think anyone would read this blog and was hesitant about doing it to begin with. I am really glad i did though as it seems to help me and hopefully help everyone that reads it.
Also my Aunty and Great Gran are on BBC Breakfast show in the morning between 7 and 8 am if anyone is up at that time you can see them on BBC 1, i cant wait to see what my Grandma Lil says lol. She is deffo one of the funniest people i know. I can't wait to see her at my church service on Sunday night as long as she behaves herself and doesn't nod off half way through. I have decided to give flamingo land a miss this week as i have quite a hectic week already. I can always go next summer, but i think i may go to cannon hall farm on Mon instead as haven't been for years. If you haven't noticed already i am a massive animal lover. I can't wait to get my own horse when i am better. I have so much to look forward to and work towards after the transplant so i just need to remain positive and be confident that the disease will not get worst before December/January. I think that is what worries me is it progressing to the next stage and not making it to the transplant with me already having it at least 2 years. I know i am in good hands though and i think i am coping with the challenge alright. I have accepted that i may die but i have also accepted that this could be a chance of a whole new life without the c word in it anymore. When that day comes it will be amazing and very weird as well.

Got The Lergie ERRGGH!

I have been in bed most of weekend as felt shocking. I thought cancer was bad enough lol. Had a ordinary, boring, cold. Felt really ill and had no energy. I am sure Tom will want me feeling better soon so he doesn't have to bring me things all the time and do all the cooking. I went to see Helen on Friday to give her a copy of the BMB i had done last week and she will get in touch when she has managed to make it shorter so i can post it in here. Helen had the lergie when i saw her, so i am going to blame her for giving it to me to take home for the weekend. Only Joking Helen! Helen thinks i am going to be the new face of a campaign for more bone marrow donors, it will be interesting to see if that happens.

I watched X Factor last night and gees were some of the acts crap. I didn't like nicolo or bell amie, they were out of tune for a start. I sound better when i sing on the wii and i move about quite well too so i hope that one of them goes tonight. Espically since me n Tom have put a bet on Bell Amie to get voted off at 14-1 lol. I am looking forward to my tea as i haven't eaten anything today which aint like me.
My hip has been a bit sore but nothing i can't cope with as i have quite a strong pain threshold and haven't needed tramadol for 2 days. I want to wish Sharon Taylor from my CML support group all the best on Wednesday as she is having her 3rd BMB done like me. I hope it goes well like my did hun, will be thinking if you. I want to thank Helen Burchell at BBC Cambridge for putting up with me since my radio interview and for all the time and effort she has taken on my story.
I think that is all for now. Just a reminder that i am on BBC Radio Suffolk on Wednesday 13th October at 10.15 AM so listen if you can online.

Bye for now...

Hospital yesterday

Hospital went ok yesterday, still had to wait 2 hours even though i had my bloods done in advance as  i was told i would have to wait less then. My white count had doubled to 16 so my doseof hydroxycarbamide has been increased by 500mg. I had a chat with Karen as she was around when i got to there. Karen explained that the original donor is going to be used. This is a lady from the UK (not America like i have stated in previous posts). This means the transplant will take place December at the earliest as we have got to wait for the all clear on her malaria tests etc. Karen said that i am very strong and that it's a shame that i don't even realise how well i am coping with everything. I have no confidence so i have no believe in myself and i am very hard on myself all the time. I don't see myself as strong and coping well with everything so i find it hard to believe people when they tell me this lol.
Dr Smith was great as usual lol. He answered my questions for me and was very reassuring and i think hearing his opinion helped me make up my mind on a few things. He explained that if i didn't have radiotherapy then more chemo is used. This is then more dangerous for your liver and the cancer might not be totally wiped out. Dr Smith said that from his point of view he didn't see any risks to my health by the transplant being postponed until Decmeber or Januray. If the recent bone marrow biopsy showed any signs of the cancer getting worst then obviously the transplant wouldn't be able to wait and a different plan would be used.

I will go back in 2 weeks for my bloods doing and probably have a catch up with Karen. I am also going to the cml support group on the 18th of Ocotber and it is meant to be the biggest one yet so it hsould be a good night. I have spent all day in bed as not feeling very well, probably because of Monday to be honest. I think i am getting used to the fact that the transplant is not going to be until December/January as well now i have had  a bit of time ot come to terms with it. I am feeling confident about my CML staying in the chronic phase until the transplant and i am just going to try and occupy my mind until i get another date as that is all i can do for now.

Feeling anxious about what hospital may bring tomorrow

Had a rite laugh at ma Grandma Lillian's today, everything she says has me in stiches. She is coming to my church service on the 17th October so i hope she behaves herself lol. She rang to find out how long i was going to be as she had gone to the shop for some milk on her zimmer frame and had left her bag at home. When me and Elaine arrived she was stood waiting on the balcony for us so we went in with her and she had milk in the fridge all along. I will let her off though as she does have a bit of dementia and i may do the same when i am older .
After a nice long catch up with her we went to see Degas and Monet (my cousin's) and i played them a recording of my radio interview, which they were very impressed with. We smoked loads of ciggies before i went back to my Auntie Elaine's, where i am now snuggled up in bed having a think about tomorrow.

I have wrote a list of questions that i am going to ask Dr Smith or Dr Cook depending on which one i see. I am going to ask about what would be the down side to not having as much or no radiotherapy at all, if i don't have it then solves the issue with the transplant with the 2nd donor(and i would not be infertile either).
I want to know if i could use the 1st donor before she is out of the malria free incubation period.
Lastly i want to know about the new drug 'ponatinib' which is being trailed at Hammersmith in January for my type of bone marrow mutation. if the transplant hasn't taken place by then would it be worth trailing the drug to see if i have a response. This would mean i would not need a transplant anymore and would just take a tablet everyday rest of my life.

I am hoping i sleep better tonight as there is no Evie to karate kick me and i have taken my sleeping tablet. Will update tomorrow, hopefully with some good news!

Lincoln today! Taking a walking stick as i am walking a bit weird

Going to Lincoln in a bit to see family, staying just one night cos got hospital tomorrow. I am still very sore today and it didn't help that Evie karate kicked me in her sleep. It's a good job she is so cute and sweet otherwise i might have done it back lol. Only joking. I have managed to step in the plastering outside as my Mum's house is having some work done on it but the builder was very nice and cleaned them for me.
I am going to see my friend Helen at BBC this week to see if we can edit the footage of the bone marrow biopsy so hopefully will have it posted on here or facebook by end of week. I am looking forward to hospital tomorrow as it is the bestest doctor ever  i am seeing. I am hoping that they may know a bit more about the transplant as well, i am going to ask about the risks if i don't have radiotherapy and find out why they wont do radiotherapy on a weekend.
I am now on Radio BBC Suffolk at 10.15am on Wednesday 13th October which is very exciting and i hope i don't sound as nervous as last time. I am feeling a little bit better considering how shit this last week has being and i am hoping to go to flamingo land next week as a treat as  iwant to do all the things i can before the transplant as long as i can afford to of course.
My Grandad has started doing a painting of me so it will be exciting to see that when it is finished. I think that is all i have to report for now. Laters people x x

Bone marrow biopsy video too long so can't post it

Had the bone marrow biopsy done but cna't share the video of it as it is too long. I am really annoyed as i don't know how to edit and can't show the footage now. It went well i had it done without sedation as i wanted to be brave for the film. It only took 15 mins to do and wasn't too painful. Jon filmed it and my Mum held my hand, Tom waited in the waiting area as he was pretty certain he would throw up if he watched it. The procedure i had done is similar to what a donor has done. The donor has 50x more marrow removed than me and has 6 puncture sites in the hip bone. This is why the donor is asleep for the procedure and is a bit sore for 5 days.
I hope i can sort something out so i can put the video on here as i can't have the procedure done again lol. I wish i had known the video needed to be under 10 mins to post it.
I am now going to rest and paly trivial pursuit on the wii.

Bone Marrow Biopsy Tomorrow...Uh Oh...

Not looking forward to tomorrow at all, you would think that i would be used to pain by now lol. I have had this procedure done twice all ready, the last time was probably over a year ago now. I think that it is worst the 2nd or 3rd time round because you know what is going to happen. The first time i had a bone marrow smaple taken, it was 2 days after i was diagnosed so i was living in  a parallel universe so i didn't even flinch when they did it as i had no idea what was going on. I felt numb before they even injected me with the local anasthetic. The 2nd time i had it done i went in still pissed from the night before and started moving across the table and just got myself in a right state. It didn't help that the person doing it had the personality of a baked bean and her breath stunk like a coffee machine. I hope that the team tomorrow has a sense of humour cos it definately helps to put me at ease. I think the worst part is the local anasthetic cos it stings like mad. They then use a cork screw like instrument to get the bone marrow sample. It feels like they are trying to pull your hip out of your body but it doesn't hurt cos of the anasthetic. It jsut feels bloody weird to be honest. The first time i had a sample taken i looked at it afterwards and i thought i was going to pass out. I don't know why i said 'yeah i will have a look at it' when offered. I haven't been sedated in the past as it wasn't offered to me. I have requested to be sedated tomorrow but if they let me film it then i will choose not to be as i want to be brave for the camera. I can then also talk whilst they are doing it as i can talk for England when i am nervous i come out with some rite jibberish, mind you people might think that anyway lol. I better not swear other wise i will have to put a age restriction on it lol.

I am also on BBC Radio Suffolk on Monday 11th October at around 10AM, i am becoming a celebrity now lol.

Devastated...Angry...Upset...are a few of the things i am feeling right now

Was having a great time on holiday. Went Pony trekking twice and then had a ride on a grey horse called smartie at the place i was staying. It didn't feel like 5 years since i had being on a horse and i loved it. I want to try and do it more as long as i don't over do it as i can barely walk now due to the stiffness and aches.

Right then now for the gritty nitty side of stuff. The Bone Marrow Transplant has being postponed again. The donor passed the medical but can only donate on a Monday or Tuesday. This means that there would be a 3 day gap between my last dose of radiotherapy and me recieving the donor cells. This cannot be done as it is not possible to leave a 3 day gap and they can't do radiotherapy on a weekend due to provisions. There is going to be a meeting on Monday to discuss my options. I think that they will decide to use the original donor as she will be out of the malaria danger zone in November so that would mean a 2 month delay til December. Or i choose not to have radiotherapy and hope that the chemo on its own will be enough to destroy the cancer cells.
I really don't want to have to wait til December i cannot think of anything more depressing than spending christmas and my birthday in a hopsital bed. I think it is worst this time as the donor is fine it is the fact that they wont do radiotherapy on a weekend. Do i have to die in the mean time?