Wow it has been a long long time since I last posted!

Not sure what made me decide to write a new post after all this time and at a ridiculous hour!
I guess it is because I am feeling quite fed up at the moment and feel it may help to write my feelings down Incase it relates to other people on here.
After my bone marrow transplant I thought I would be free of pain and anxiety but sadly that has not been the case. People tell me how lucky I am to be alive which is very true but that doesn't mean I cannot be pissed off if I am feel unwell.
I have done lots of amazing things over the last 4 years and met lots of new amazing people, which I am so happy about. Especially my little dog Dolly who has been a part of my life since 2014. I cannot have children due to the radiotherapy I had to kill the leukaemia. However Dolly is my fur baby and helps me through the days that I struggle with the fact I will never have another life grow inside of me. As well as having to deal with that on a daily basis i am in pain all over my body and have had various scans which do not explain why it is I am in agony. My gp thinks it is fibromyalgia and after reading lots of articles and spelling to other people who have been diagnosed with it I am 99% I have it too. I have an appointment coming up soon for the pain clinic so will hopefully get some answers then. In the meantime I will try a few alternative treatments such as massage and acupuncture to try relieve some of the pain and hopefully relax me so I can sleep before 4 in the morning!
Well I will try and get some sleep now and have cuddles with Dolly to try and ease my fear of sleep as I have been suffering with night terrors this week I think due to all the medication.

Good night/ good morning ☺️

Going Back On Look North...

Wow it has been too long since i posted on here! I hope that everyone who has followed me and sent kind words over the last 12 months understands that i just needed a break from everything. I cant believe it has nearly been a year since i had my bone marrow transplant. I am doing really well and have recently heard the words REMISSION! I have got to be honest though it aint been easy and as you can see from my facebook page i am always busy but it has taken a lot of hard work from me to get to where i am now. About 6 months ago i thought my life was over and that i had nothing to give in life, i couldnt get out of bed and didnt want to either, i hated everyone and everything and i had no interest in anything. I think i have Tom my better half to thank for kick starting me again. He didn't give up on me and he somehow tolerated my even worst mood swings lol, he has treated me like a princess taking me to Royal Ascot and taking me to a dinner he was invited to at St James's Palace. I will have lots to talk about to Look North lol. I have also started horse riding again and have become a keen bingo player he he. Most importantly i feel human again mentally and physically, i no longer take my happy pills because i am happy without them. I have started the menopause so i will be on HRT Therapy for the next 30 years and might not be able to have children, but the hot sweats have gone now thanks to my HRT patch.
I want to do something special for my year anniversary on the 26th Novemeber so if anyone has any ideas please help me lol. I will update when i know about Look North aswell but i would think it will be close to the 26th November. Thankyou to everyone for supporting me.

EBV Virus

The Epstein-barr virus is one of the most common human viruses. Most people have been infected with the virus at some point. It can cause a sore throat, swollen glands, swollen liver and spleen. If left untreated it can go on to become glandular fever. I curretnly have the EBV virus in my body and it has increased from 13,000 to 58,000 and there is a bit of worry that my liver is swollen. I haven't had any treatment yet as i havent presented the symptoms of glandular fever however i would rather not wait for me to get it either lol. I am booked in for a ct scan on wednesday to see how my liver and the rest of the body is and depending on the results from that and my blood results a decision will be made about treatment etc. I have a normal platelet and red cell count at the moment but my neutraphils have dropped so that is a bit of a worry but i am sure it is because of the virus. My line is going to stay in a bit longer incase i need treatment for the EBV virus. I am just watching Eurovision not through choice i would like to add but because it is one of Toms fav nites of the year lol. Apart from watching trash on telly i am looking for a job at the moment. My plan is to do some volunteer work and have September as my target to either start a course or apply for a job.

A rumble in the jungle...

All has been quiet as far as my treatment goes. I have come off most of my drugs and there was talk of my Hickman line been removed. I am not in a hurry for it removing though as i have become quite fond of it lol. It will be very strange not having tubes hanging out of me like a robot anymore and getting a bath will be too easy when it has gone lol. I dont like the thought of them removing it as it must hurt as it will be embedded in to my body and they just tug at it to get it out. Anyway the peace was disturbed the other day when i recieved a call from my consultant to tell me i have a virus in my blood that causes glandular fever. I had my bloods repeated yesterday but wont have the results til monday. If the virus is still in my blood then i will have to go into hospital for iv treatment. It has to be given very slowly as a lot of people can have an allergic reaction to it. This is all great when it only takes 3 hours to get to hospital lol.

I have applied as a volunteer for the cat protection society this week as daytime tv is driving me insane so i would like to do something a bit more useful with my brain well what there is left of it lol. I am also interested in working with people with learning difficulties as i was training to be a learning disability nurse before i was diagnosed so i do have some experience. I am just watching total wipeout and i am ashamed to say i am enjoying it lol.

had some good news!

I no longer have hospital 3 times a week now that i have come off ambizone (anti-fungal drug) and ciclosporin (anti-rejection drug). This also means i will be having my line out very soon as i am only in hospital for clinic appointments now and not for iv drugs. This is a huge step forward now and feels as though i am getting nearer to all the transplant hell been over whoop whoop! Think i have caught a lergie as my throat is killing and i feel very sleepy. Spending a week down in suffolk tomorrow after i have had a makeover at the teenage ward. I still feel a bit insane but i am trying my best to fight through it and not give up on myself by just sleeping all the time etc.

feeling a bit better...

I had a good chat with michael since i last post and that really helped me to give myself a boost. I feel more at ease now i know things do get better and you do get your energy back etc. I now make muself get up every morning and have a good breakfast as this also helps my mood. I have made myself do cleaning and cooking etc and i even went to the circus this weekend. I am definately brighter in my mood and when i can i stay up late to try and help myu sleep patterns. I am in bed as i write this but that is cos i got no sleep last nite thanks to noisy neighbours and i have just had a 3 hour drive to newmarket. My neutraphils are producing on their own now which is great stuff and my leukaemia cells have gone from 256% to 0.001% so this has got to be a good thing. They will keep checking this  every month as i am still at risk from leukaemia coming back in the first 5 years but thats the same for everyone after a transplant.

Haven't felt like Lauren for some time...

I haven't posted for so long as i just havent known what to write or had the capability to think of something to write. I wish i could say it is because i have been having such a great time and been so busy. I dont feel like me anymore and it is scaring me. I don't want to do things or see people cos i feel that i dont have anything to offer people and worried i am boring etc. I cant get interested in the tv or the computer so i am sat just worrying all the time. I dont know if it is normal to feel like this but i cant stand it any longer. Why cant i enjoy the things i enjoyed before the transplant? I had to be admitted to hospital because my depression has got so bad and i dont know how it is going to improve tbh. I am on 40 mg of citalopram and diazepam for when i get really bad but i dont feel the tablets are doing anyhting. I have stopped taking sleeping tablets as i was worried they might make my mood worst. I just wondered if anyone else feels like this and if anyone has any advice? I still don't know if transplant has worked but apparently that can take 5 years but i am apparantley doing good

Follow me on twitter with the link below

www.twitter.com/laurenhards

Had a ok week...

Well i am c.diff and cmv free woo hoo! I still feel sickly most of the time but havent been sick for over a week now which must be a good thing hey. I am still finding eating a bit of a chore at the moment unless it is monster munch or quavers or haribo lol. I hope my dietician cant read this hah. I really really want a chinese but all the places near the hospital are only 1 star establishments so if anyone knows of a 5 star chinese takeaway in Leeds please let me know. It is a new rule that patients can only eat from 5 star take aways and dominos is the only one that the ward can use. This is better than none but there is only so many you can manage. I am nearing day 80 i believe so that will mean 20 days til day 100 when i can celebrate with bottled water and a trip to the supermarket lol. I asked Doctor Cook about why i am on penicillin (antibiotic) for rest of my life. The reason is that my spleen may have got irradiated during the transplant and so they have to treat me the same as someone without a spleen. A bit of exciting info for you there lol, i am full of facts when it comes to me and my care.


I would like to congratulate Tom and friends on Prohibit winning in Dubai it was an amazing day but wish Tom had been there. Lets hope Prohibit gets invited to world cup day so that Tom can make a trip to Dubai then as he deserves it. It was an amazing win and about time something good happened.

Had a very bad week!...

I came back into hospital with sickness and i now have a hospital bug and the cmv is back. The bug i have contracted is highly contagious and is not very pleasant. It is called clostridium difficile and you have to stay in isolation until it goes so that the whole ward doesn't get it. The cmv has come back quite high so i started treatment for that last night. I saw a pyschologist today because the doctors are worried about me as i have become very quiet and withdrawn this week and usually i crack a few jokes and i am sarcastic. I have literally done nothing since been readmitted as i have lost interest in everything so i just stare at the walls all day and look forward to sleeping as it is the only time i can escape my 4 walls. I am trying to be a bit more upbeat but it is very hard at the moment. Sorry i didnt have any happy news to post, hopefully i will soon.