Sunday, 3 April 2011

Haven't felt like Lauren for some time...

I haven't posted for so long as i just havent known what to write or had the capability to think of something to write. I wish i could say it is because i have been having such a great time and been so busy. I dont feel like me anymore and it is scaring me. I don't want to do things or see people cos i feel that i dont have anything to offer people and worried i am boring etc. I cant get interested in the tv or the computer so i am sat just worrying all the time. I dont know if it is normal to feel like this but i cant stand it any longer. Why cant i enjoy the things i enjoyed before the transplant? I had to be admitted to hospital because my depression has got so bad and i dont know how it is going to improve tbh. I am on 40 mg of citalopram and diazepam for when i get really bad but i dont feel the tablets are doing anyhting. I have stopped taking sleeping tablets as i was worried they might make my mood worst. I just wondered if anyone else feels like this and if anyone has any advice? I still don't know if transplant has worked but apparently that can take 5 years but i am apparantley doing good
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3 comments:

  1. Michael3 April 2011 at 17:52

    Hello Lauren, My name is Michael and i have been following your blog for sometime, was getting a bit worried for you, as you were not posting. Well i can honestly say i've been down the same road. I started a blog like yourself on Caringbridge when i went in for my transplant at the start of 2009, to start with all was fine and i kept going for quite a few months, but like you i hit the wall. The problems just seem to keep coming, i had big problems with GVHD, and im sorry to say a year after my transplant things looked very bleak for me. Went through quite alot. Having said all that, the worse i ever felt was due to the constant grind of it all, and the thought of having nothing to look forward to, even as simple as a nice dinner held no appeal, I found this a very desperate time. The only way i coped was to try and not think about it and if i did try not to dwell. I know it sounds crap, but one day at a time is all i can say, just get through it, however you can. slowly things got better for me and i started back to work at the being of this year and life is getting back to normal, i have things to look forward to again. At the time i could see no end to it, it is very hard to deal with that, total desperation is the only way i could describe it.

    It will get better, try not to be to hard on yourself just get through it. It will get better, it will not be easy but it will improve.

    I do feel for you, i was annoyed enough at my age, im 43 now, so god knows how you are dealing with this, but you are and you will. If you would like to speak to me, please let me know. Im sure you have plenty of people who you can talk to, but perhaps not someone who's been there, done that.

    All the very best to you. You were strong enough to post today. Well done.

    Michael

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  2. Anonymous3 April 2011 at 18:35

    Hi Lauren
    Let me come round and you can have a laugh at me ! Just let me know if you need anything or taking any where,would love to see you and cheer you up.

    Grandad David XXX

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  3. Anonymous5 April 2011 at 11:46

    Hi Lauren,

    What is there to say. No wonder you are depressed with everything you have had to cope with!

    I've just read the comment from Michael, who sounds well informed about what you are and have gone through.I hope he has lifted your spirit a little!!

    I mean't what I said in my message on your mobile, just ring, email or text.I'm sure Monet could cheer you up by relaying some of your Grandma Lily's antics!!

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