had some good news!

I no longer have hospital 3 times a week now that i have come off ambizone (anti-fungal drug) and ciclosporin (anti-rejection drug). This also means i will be having my line out very soon as i am only in hospital for clinic appointments now and not for iv drugs. This is a huge step forward now and feels as though i am getting nearer to all the transplant hell been over whoop whoop! Think i have caught a lergie as my throat is killing and i feel very sleepy. Spending a week down in suffolk tomorrow after i have had a makeover at the teenage ward. I still feel a bit insane but i am trying my best to fight through it and not give up on myself by just sleeping all the time etc.

feeling a bit better...

I had a good chat with michael since i last post and that really helped me to give myself a boost. I feel more at ease now i know things do get better and you do get your energy back etc. I now make muself get up every morning and have a good breakfast as this also helps my mood. I have made myself do cleaning and cooking etc and i even went to the circus this weekend. I am definately brighter in my mood and when i can i stay up late to try and help myu sleep patterns. I am in bed as i write this but that is cos i got no sleep last nite thanks to noisy neighbours and i have just had a 3 hour drive to newmarket. My neutraphils are producing on their own now which is great stuff and my leukaemia cells have gone from 256% to 0.001% so this has got to be a good thing. They will keep checking this  every month as i am still at risk from leukaemia coming back in the first 5 years but thats the same for everyone after a transplant.

Haven't felt like Lauren for some time...

I haven't posted for so long as i just havent known what to write or had the capability to think of something to write. I wish i could say it is because i have been having such a great time and been so busy. I dont feel like me anymore and it is scaring me. I don't want to do things or see people cos i feel that i dont have anything to offer people and worried i am boring etc. I cant get interested in the tv or the computer so i am sat just worrying all the time. I dont know if it is normal to feel like this but i cant stand it any longer. Why cant i enjoy the things i enjoyed before the transplant? I had to be admitted to hospital because my depression has got so bad and i dont know how it is going to improve tbh. I am on 40 mg of citalopram and diazepam for when i get really bad but i dont feel the tablets are doing anyhting. I have stopped taking sleeping tablets as i was worried they might make my mood worst. I just wondered if anyone else feels like this and if anyone has any advice? I still don't know if transplant has worked but apparently that can take 5 years but i am apparantley doing good