Rocking out to Pendulum and Arctic Monkeys...

I have just eaten all my hospital food for the first time ever the morphine must make it taste nice lol. I had lasagne which i don't usually eat and i loved it followed by some custard and a cig for my pudding. I feel nice and floaty from the morphine. I think it makes music sounds a lot better quality than usual as well lol. I am listening to pendulums album 'Imersion' and i have asked Tom to get Trivial Pursuit for later as long as he doesn't win. He has been undefeated since his uni days but he aint allowed to win against me lol. I feel like the words are zooming across the page lol. Sharon will be here soon hopefully with a baloon that i have requested as i have always wanted one when i am in hospital lol. I have requested a teddy bear off  Tom but he told me where to go lol. I hope Bell Amie get voted off X factor tonight. I can't have a bet this week as gambling sites are banned at hospital : ( I hope that today doesn't go too slowly but i don't think it will as the morphine makes it feel like everything i am doing is in fast forward. Can anyone sugegst anything good on the tv tonight that i can watch after X Factor?

Spending the weekend in hospital fun times...

Well well well...what a day only went for my bloods doing and i am spending the weekend here now. Well at least i get free food, tv and fit doctors lol. I am being kept in for a few tests doing and to get some morphine in my system which i am quite looking forward to at least time will fly by if i am off ma head lol. A typical Friday night for me (well used to be in the past) now i am a rite little domestic cleaning godess with a set bedtime every night. I have severe pain in all my bones especially my ribs so i will be having a ultrasound done on Monday to check out my spleen size. I am having a scan of my head done on Monday to see if they can work out what is wrong with my eyes as it is a mystery still. Got bruising like a panda but my platelets are over 700 so going on aspirin for that. The morphine will take away the bone pain which has being caused by my overactive bone marrow misbehaving itself. I also have my wisdom teeth playing up so i can add that to my bag of problems lol. I feel bloody brilliant apart from all that hah. I am just trying to get some iv anti sickness as i am adiment that is the only thing that will work. I jsut wnat to feel gorgeous for 10 mins and i will be happy. I have my tunes on and trying to read X Factor magazine could do with my Nan's magnifying glass though to be honest. Just had success with getting iv anti sickness so awaiting doctor sorting it now so i should have my 10 mins of feeling good now lol. Will update in a short while as i feel a bit boz-eyed (however you spell it)

Just seen my new baby cousin for the first time...

Awww Laizel was so cute i even had a little hold until she started crying which was the perfect time to hand her back to her mummy lol. Laizel was born on Sunday nite so  i was really nervous about holding her as she looked so fragile. 'Laizel' means God is bountiful so she has a beautiful and strong name which is what i am sure she will be. Evie was an amzing foot rest for me today lol, i would like to add that it was her idea and not mine. I am actually very nice to her...most of the time. When we argue i always manage to come down to her level i am afraid to say lol. I am really missing Tom but he is working hard at the horse sales doing what i am good at...shopping! I will be reunited with him on Friday though so not long now and i will be excited to see what horses he has bought. I jokingly said that we should set up our own horse sanctuary for ex race horses lol. I have hospital on Friday for my weekly bloods to see if the hydroxycarbamide is kicking the white cells butt! I hope so as don't think i can tolerate a even higher dose. I am not sleeping either at the moment even though i am tired all the time. It could be the night sweats i guess or just my overactive mind keeping me awake. I had a lovely day with Corinne yesterday it didn't feel like years since we had last seen each other. I had a chicken caeser salad which i didn't eat as the lettuce was all brown n manky. A member of bar staff asked if it was ok and i expalained that i couldn't eat it because of my leukaemia. He offered to replace it so i just asked for a free drink instead lol. I guess stating i had leukaemia was for something good for once lol. I can't wait to meet up with Corinne again before the transplant as we had a rite laugh.

Feeling refreshed after a good nights sleep but my mind doesn't...

Feel really happy as had a lovely nights sleep and had a lovely relaxing bath to soothe my aches and pains. I feel as though the citalopram is working already, just need my skin to behave next. I have being worrying all weekend about what will happen if the donor fails the medical and if my CML goes in to the blast phase. I am scared that if the donor fails that  i will die cos they wont find another one in time. I am also s**t scared that the transplant wont work cos i am now in the accelerated phase so it is too late to cure me. I am going out of my mind with worry and don't know what to do. The sooner i have a shrink the better as that may help me stop worrying. I know it is normal to feel like this but it doesn't make it any easier. I think i need to speak to Dr Cook about the success rate of the transplant for someone in the accelerated phase of the disease and about what happens if this donor fails the medical. How long would i have to wait for the transplant if this happend? What happens if i end up in the blast phase? I know your probably thinking don;t think about the what if's? But for me the what if's could turn out to be very real as i have had no good news for 2 years and felt like i am dying for the last 6 months.

Awake most of the night AGAIN...

Had another restless nights sleep so gave in at 6AM and turned the laptop on to play farmville like a true addict lol. I need to start going to the gym or something as i think that would help me to sleep a bit better as well. I think that the night sweats and the higher dose of chemo has irritated my skin as was itching all night and i am still red now. I wonder what i can do to help it? I set the fire alarm off last night as burnt our food which was burgers and chips. The burgers shrunk to the size of a penny and the chips were raw so i let Tom off when he didn't want to eat it lol. I am actually really good at cooking beleive it or not lol. I am sure you all want to come to tea at mine now hah. I couldn't stop laughing at strictly come dancing last night when Anne widdecombe (however you spell it,probably worked out by now spelling is not my strong point lol) was referred to as ET's Mum and a dancing hippo lmao. I thought X factor was pretty dull to be honest.There are only 3 decentr acts on it and they wont win cos all young girls will vote the boyband no doubt. I will have to create a record company for Mary and Matt lol. I am going to have a go at not setting the fire alarm off shortly when i cook lunch as my ears have only jsut recovered from last night. Congratulations to my Uncle Matt and Auntie Belinda who had a baby girl at 12.30AM this morning, i hope i get to see her this week, will let them get settled at home first. That is all for now in the land of Lauren x

Having a glass of cider and listening to 80's music can't get better than this lol ...

I think i must be allergic to the cider as developed a rash since having one sip of it lol. I have had a productive day as did some cleaning before i went to doctors as Tom has a friend staying next week for horse sales. I don't want it looking like a bachelor pad, do i! I am going to see my friend Corinne next week on my way up North as i haven't seen her in years so i am really looking forward to that. I don't fancy being at home during horse sales as  i would be very bored and wouldn't have anything to distract my mind as have no friends down here who i can see. I hope that Tom and Seb have a nice time at the sales though and don't have too much fun without me lol. I went to the doctors earlier about eyes but nothing wrong with them so i guess that is good, but why are they hurting then? I got some happy pills so hopefully they will kick in next week and i will feel invincible lol. I need to find something else to do apart from farmville otherwise i might actually enjoy bin in hospital as it will be a home away from home haha. I think i am going to ask Tom really nicely for some guitar and drums for the wii when i go into hospital as long as i dont annoy the patients lol. They can't kick me out i hope... Gonna get back to my music session now but just want to say how touched i was by Hannah Kelly's message she left on here, it made me cry when i read it. Thank you Hannah and everyone that has left such heart felt messages i had no idea that so many people really do care x

Received a exciting phone call...

I would like to say a HUGE HUGE THANKYOU to Frank Jeffers for giving me Penny Bustin's contact details. I sent her an email with all the info about the blog and explained how much i wanted to raise bone marrow awareness and continue Adrian Sudbury's campaign work. I recieved a phone call from Penny at teatime saying that they are interested in my story and would like to film the transplant so they can follow my progress. Penny is now going to speak to Andy at Leeds the media guy to see what they can and cannot film etc etc. I cannot believe that this has happend so thankyou Frank. It is going to be amazing if it is filmed professionaly so thankyou Penny for getting in touch and her kind words on the phone.

I woke up in a frightful mood this morning as Tom is well aware of as he was at the recieving end of it. I don't think it helped when i did some more research on CML and read that if you are in the accelerated phase of the disease then the transplant is less effective than when you are in the chronic stage. I know i said that i was sort of expecting yesterday to be bad news but i had kinda forgot about the BMB result until i got there. I thought that i had recieved all the bad news i could possibly recieve but i was wrong. I am finding it very hard to be positive now as i can't stop thinking about dying and feel that i need to plan my funeral etc. I just don't know how to not think about dying as it is worst when i am trying to go to sleep. I get myself in a panic that i am not going to wake up again. It is really scary and someone my age shouldn't be thinking about stuff like this, it is so unfair! I have made an appointment with my GP tomorrow so i can get soem happy pills as i don't want to be on sleeping tablets anymore as i want to make the most of my last few weeks of freedom and not sleep my way through them lol. I hope the happy pills sort me out and i hope that the eye ache is nothing serious. I am worried that i am having bleeding behind my eyes like i have had in the past so lets hope i wrong for once lol.

More Bad News!

Went to St James's for my bloods doing today and Dr Smith explained my bone marrow result. The result wasn't good news but i had sort of been expecting it. This didn't make it any easier to hear but at least i was prepared for it so didn't cry in front of Dr Smith lol. The Chronic Myeloid Leukaemia is now in the accelerated stage of the disease which means the transplant cannot be delayed anymore as my leukaemia is no longer stable as it has been for 2 years. What does all this mean you are probably thinking? I will now explain in the easiest way possible and i appologise for spelling mistakes but a bit upset now i am talking about it.

CMLhas 3 stages of the disease. I was diagnosed in the 'chronic' stage which usually stays stable for about 4 years before it changes. During the 'chronic' stage blood counts are steady and you can live a normal life. When it to moves the accelerated stage the bone marrow will start producing lots of immature cells and you will have 15% Basophils present in your BMB. I have 14% Basophils present so from that and the amount of immature blood cells in my blood that is why Dr Smith can see that the change to the accelerated phase has taken place. The night sweats and bone pain i have being experiencing is all related to the 'accelerated' phase. My white count has gone up to 58 since the other week which shows that the drugs are having a  lesser effect on the CML and the counts are now harder to control and will fluctuate more due to the leukaemia becoming more active. The transformation can last 6-24 months before going in to the blast phase. In the blast phase you have about 6 months to live. CML can also go from the'chronic' phase straight to the 'blast phase'.
I am hopeful that i will not experience the blast phase as i hope the donor passes the medical and i can get back on the road to success. I am going now so i can watch Jaws. A nice happy film to cheer me up lol

Went to the CML support group in my new panda hat lol

Had a nice time at the CML support group last night, it was very very busy! It was the biggest one yet which was great. Dr Smith did an amazing talk as usual and used his favourite word 'Tickety Boo' lol. I remember when he said that everything will turn out 'tickety boo' for me, i hope it still does. I turned up in my all in one scarf hat that has a panda face and ears stitched on it. I invested in this accessorie yesterday for a mere bargain of £30! I thought it would be a great way of keeping my head warm after chemo and also a great way to embaress Tom when we go places lol. I was really sad Sharon couldn't make the support group as she always makes me laugh when i see her and i aint seen her since the last meeting. I will arrange something so i can see her before transplant though so we can have a natter. I have had a nice relaxing day as my eyes are in agony for some unknown reason. I will go back to specsavers or get Dr Smith to check they are ok on Wed. I have had little bleeds at the back of my eyes before so it is a little worry that it could be that again. I need to invest in some sunglasses lol. Going to go get Evie from school soon and eat lots of popcorn when we get back and watch Hannah Montanna, which i am ashamed to stay but find really funny to watch.
My cold seems to be back so not imopressed with that as it makes me so sleepy which aint a good thing when you are entertaining Evie lol. I am going to request a spleen scan on Wed as it is all very well Doctors saying 'it is enlarged'. They don't then get a ruler out and measure it for me lol. I am concerned that it is causing problems with my stomach again. I will ask for a eye test as well while i am there and i think that is all for this week hah. Got to go as Mum rushing me now to get a move on so i am ready to get Evie Laters x

I may be a bit more poorly than usual this week but that dint stop me going to shop for cigs today lol

I made sure i got some cigs earlier and i haven't even had one yet. I guess that is a good thing though lol. I think it is cos i am lazy and can't be bothered going outside to have one lol. I think that i am going to have to go back on my anti-depressants cos started feeling stuff i don't want to. The tablets obviously made me numb. Bring on the happy pills! I don't feel like i have a urine infection anymore so just the cold to shake off next. Got Church for the first time in forever tomorrow, i would go more often if it wasn't 3 hours away lol. Going to have some healing oils on my head during pray. I don't think it will get rid of the cancer but it may help get rid of the cold hopefully ; )
Looking forward to my CML support group on Monday night at 7PM at St James Leeds (incase anyone on here with CML wants to go). It will be really nice to see Sharon and the gang before the transplant. Dr Smith is talking at this one so that is a bonus lol. I can't believe how close it is to xmas, i love the lights at night time and putting decorations up. I will probs miss out on that this year but as long as i have good health next xmas it is a sacrifice i am willing to make. I think apart from good health i would like Aragon (from Lord Of The Rings) or Sean Bean for xmas lol. A trip to Euro Disney again would be amazing or see a show in London. Dreams aside i would love lots of DVD'S and WII games to keep me occupied whilst i am in hospital, and a giant teddy bear bigger than me cos always wanted one since i was a kid lol.

Gonna get back to X Factor now, not that any of the acts have particuarly stood out to me so far. Mary will be brill when she performs that i am sure of. Everytime i hear her sing she makes me wanna cry so i hope she wins so that i can listen to her album when i am in hospital.