Wow it has been a long long time since I last posted!

Not sure what made me decide to write a new post after all this time and at a ridiculous hour!
I guess it is because I am feeling quite fed up at the moment and feel it may help to write my feelings down Incase it relates to other people on here.
After my bone marrow transplant I thought I would be free of pain and anxiety but sadly that has not been the case. People tell me how lucky I am to be alive which is very true but that doesn't mean I cannot be pissed off if I am feel unwell.
I have done lots of amazing things over the last 4 years and met lots of new amazing people, which I am so happy about. Especially my little dog Dolly who has been a part of my life since 2014. I cannot have children due to the radiotherapy I had to kill the leukaemia. However Dolly is my fur baby and helps me through the days that I struggle with the fact I will never have another life grow inside of me. As well as having to deal with that on a daily basis i am in pain all over my body and have had various scans which do not explain why it is I am in agony. My gp thinks it is fibromyalgia and after reading lots of articles and spelling to other people who have been diagnosed with it I am 99% I have it too. I have an appointment coming up soon for the pain clinic so will hopefully get some answers then. In the meantime I will try a few alternative treatments such as massage and acupuncture to try relieve some of the pain and hopefully relax me so I can sleep before 4 in the morning!
Well I will try and get some sleep now and have cuddles with Dolly to try and ease my fear of sleep as I have been suffering with night terrors this week I think due to all the medication.

Good night/ good morning ☺️

Going Back On Look North...

Wow it has been too long since i posted on here! I hope that everyone who has followed me and sent kind words over the last 12 months understands that i just needed a break from everything. I cant believe it has nearly been a year since i had my bone marrow transplant. I am doing really well and have recently heard the words REMISSION! I have got to be honest though it aint been easy and as you can see from my facebook page i am always busy but it has taken a lot of hard work from me to get to where i am now. About 6 months ago i thought my life was over and that i had nothing to give in life, i couldnt get out of bed and didnt want to either, i hated everyone and everything and i had no interest in anything. I think i have Tom my better half to thank for kick starting me again. He didn't give up on me and he somehow tolerated my even worst mood swings lol, he has treated me like a princess taking me to Royal Ascot and taking me to a dinner he was invited to at St James's Palace. I will have lots to talk about to Look North lol. I have also started horse riding again and have become a keen bingo player he he. Most importantly i feel human again mentally and physically, i no longer take my happy pills because i am happy without them. I have started the menopause so i will be on HRT Therapy for the next 30 years and might not be able to have children, but the hot sweats have gone now thanks to my HRT patch.
I want to do something special for my year anniversary on the 26th Novemeber so if anyone has any ideas please help me lol. I will update when i know about Look North aswell but i would think it will be close to the 26th November. Thankyou to everyone for supporting me.

EBV Virus

The Epstein-barr virus is one of the most common human viruses. Most people have been infected with the virus at some point. It can cause a sore throat, swollen glands, swollen liver and spleen. If left untreated it can go on to become glandular fever. I curretnly have the EBV virus in my body and it has increased from 13,000 to 58,000 and there is a bit of worry that my liver is swollen. I haven't had any treatment yet as i havent presented the symptoms of glandular fever however i would rather not wait for me to get it either lol. I am booked in for a ct scan on wednesday to see how my liver and the rest of the body is and depending on the results from that and my blood results a decision will be made about treatment etc. I have a normal platelet and red cell count at the moment but my neutraphils have dropped so that is a bit of a worry but i am sure it is because of the virus. My line is going to stay in a bit longer incase i need treatment for the EBV virus. I am just watching Eurovision not through choice i would like to add but because it is one of Toms fav nites of the year lol. Apart from watching trash on telly i am looking for a job at the moment. My plan is to do some volunteer work and have September as my target to either start a course or apply for a job.

A rumble in the jungle...

All has been quiet as far as my treatment goes. I have come off most of my drugs and there was talk of my Hickman line been removed. I am not in a hurry for it removing though as i have become quite fond of it lol. It will be very strange not having tubes hanging out of me like a robot anymore and getting a bath will be too easy when it has gone lol. I dont like the thought of them removing it as it must hurt as it will be embedded in to my body and they just tug at it to get it out. Anyway the peace was disturbed the other day when i recieved a call from my consultant to tell me i have a virus in my blood that causes glandular fever. I had my bloods repeated yesterday but wont have the results til monday. If the virus is still in my blood then i will have to go into hospital for iv treatment. It has to be given very slowly as a lot of people can have an allergic reaction to it. This is all great when it only takes 3 hours to get to hospital lol.

I have applied as a volunteer for the cat protection society this week as daytime tv is driving me insane so i would like to do something a bit more useful with my brain well what there is left of it lol. I am also interested in working with people with learning difficulties as i was training to be a learning disability nurse before i was diagnosed so i do have some experience. I am just watching total wipeout and i am ashamed to say i am enjoying it lol.

had some good news!

I no longer have hospital 3 times a week now that i have come off ambizone (anti-fungal drug) and ciclosporin (anti-rejection drug). This also means i will be having my line out very soon as i am only in hospital for clinic appointments now and not for iv drugs. This is a huge step forward now and feels as though i am getting nearer to all the transplant hell been over whoop whoop! Think i have caught a lergie as my throat is killing and i feel very sleepy. Spending a week down in suffolk tomorrow after i have had a makeover at the teenage ward. I still feel a bit insane but i am trying my best to fight through it and not give up on myself by just sleeping all the time etc.

feeling a bit better...

I had a good chat with michael since i last post and that really helped me to give myself a boost. I feel more at ease now i know things do get better and you do get your energy back etc. I now make muself get up every morning and have a good breakfast as this also helps my mood. I have made myself do cleaning and cooking etc and i even went to the circus this weekend. I am definately brighter in my mood and when i can i stay up late to try and help myu sleep patterns. I am in bed as i write this but that is cos i got no sleep last nite thanks to noisy neighbours and i have just had a 3 hour drive to newmarket. My neutraphils are producing on their own now which is great stuff and my leukaemia cells have gone from 256% to 0.001% so this has got to be a good thing. They will keep checking this  every month as i am still at risk from leukaemia coming back in the first 5 years but thats the same for everyone after a transplant.

Haven't felt like Lauren for some time...

I haven't posted for so long as i just havent known what to write or had the capability to think of something to write. I wish i could say it is because i have been having such a great time and been so busy. I dont feel like me anymore and it is scaring me. I don't want to do things or see people cos i feel that i dont have anything to offer people and worried i am boring etc. I cant get interested in the tv or the computer so i am sat just worrying all the time. I dont know if it is normal to feel like this but i cant stand it any longer. Why cant i enjoy the things i enjoyed before the transplant? I had to be admitted to hospital because my depression has got so bad and i dont know how it is going to improve tbh. I am on 40 mg of citalopram and diazepam for when i get really bad but i dont feel the tablets are doing anyhting. I have stopped taking sleeping tablets as i was worried they might make my mood worst. I just wondered if anyone else feels like this and if anyone has any advice? I still don't know if transplant has worked but apparently that can take 5 years but i am apparantley doing good

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Had a ok week...

Well i am c.diff and cmv free woo hoo! I still feel sickly most of the time but havent been sick for over a week now which must be a good thing hey. I am still finding eating a bit of a chore at the moment unless it is monster munch or quavers or haribo lol. I hope my dietician cant read this hah. I really really want a chinese but all the places near the hospital are only 1 star establishments so if anyone knows of a 5 star chinese takeaway in Leeds please let me know. It is a new rule that patients can only eat from 5 star take aways and dominos is the only one that the ward can use. This is better than none but there is only so many you can manage. I am nearing day 80 i believe so that will mean 20 days til day 100 when i can celebrate with bottled water and a trip to the supermarket lol. I asked Doctor Cook about why i am on penicillin (antibiotic) for rest of my life. The reason is that my spleen may have got irradiated during the transplant and so they have to treat me the same as someone without a spleen. A bit of exciting info for you there lol, i am full of facts when it comes to me and my care.


I would like to congratulate Tom and friends on Prohibit winning in Dubai it was an amazing day but wish Tom had been there. Lets hope Prohibit gets invited to world cup day so that Tom can make a trip to Dubai then as he deserves it. It was an amazing win and about time something good happened.

Had a very bad week!...

I came back into hospital with sickness and i now have a hospital bug and the cmv is back. The bug i have contracted is highly contagious and is not very pleasant. It is called clostridium difficile and you have to stay in isolation until it goes so that the whole ward doesn't get it. The cmv has come back quite high so i started treatment for that last night. I saw a pyschologist today because the doctors are worried about me as i have become very quiet and withdrawn this week and usually i crack a few jokes and i am sarcastic. I have literally done nothing since been readmitted as i have lost interest in everything so i just stare at the walls all day and look forward to sleeping as it is the only time i can escape my 4 walls. I am trying to be a bit more upbeat but it is very hard at the moment. Sorry i didnt have any happy news to post, hopefully i will soon.

Sorry i have not posted for a while...

As some of you will have seen on Look North this week i was finally let home after 9 weeks in hospital. It all happened so quickly on the tuesday evening. One minute i am hooked up to a drip stand having a magnesium transfusion the next i am preparing for Look North to arrive to film me leaving hospital. The CMV result had come back negative which meant they could finally send me home. I looked absolutely terrified but i promise i was excited too lol. When i did i get out that night i just slept as i'd had an exhausting day. My happiness of finally been let loose though was short lived. It started with me throwing up all day on Wednesday which meant i could not keep my tablets down. On Thusday i decided to ring the ward and they said i needed to come straight in. Thankfully there was a bed available(i will have been in every room on the ward by the end of it lol). The doctors are not sure why i am been sick but have put me on drugs to try and stop it. I haven't been sick since friday so i feel a bit better but i am still finding it hard taking tablets and eating cos my tummy is so sore. I didn't have a good night last night cos i spiked a temperature which means i am now on antibiotics and i am now in isolation til they get test results back to see if i have a tummy bug. It is a lot to take on when i should be at home getting back in to a routine again. Also the cmv is 1,000 so if it goes above 5,000 they will start treatment for that again. I have had a unlucky week and i am getting fed up of hospital now but the nurses keep me going with their sense of humour. I will hopefully have a happy feel good post one day lol.

Isolation...

What a week i have now gone from going home- to day release- to ISOLATION. I was only saying to Dr Cook yesterday that coping with isolation was not a prob for me cos at the time i was really ill but i said that i did not know how i would cope if i was in isolation now. I have been put in isolation to protect me whilst my neutraphils are low so i dont know how long it is for or owt cos still waiting to see the doctor. It is very hard not been able to wander in and out of my room as i please i gotta say mainly because i cant be nosey at what the nurses are up to lol. I am hoping it is just a temporay inconvineance to my weekend as i don't want my mood to worsten etc. I have got rid of facebook for the moment as i feel spending lots of time on a computer is not something i want to do anymore. I want to do more exciting things with my time now that i have a new life. I will be starting volunteer work as soon as i can mingle with people again lol. I have lost my identity the last couple of years but i will gradually get it back this year i hope! : )

Turned 21 since i last posted on here...

Had problems getting online for one reason and another so this is my first post in a while. Not that much to catch up on really apart from my b day at the weekend which didnt feel like a b day in my hospital room lol. I had hoped i wouldnt be sick but my tummy obv didnt care it was my b day so the day begun like all the rest. I have not been very well to be honest this week as i keep been sick and my stomach feels like someone has punched me in it and the pain doesnt go away. I had an ensoscopy this morning which just showed what we already knew but it didnt show anything worst at least. I was told i was going to be going home tomorrow...but then my cmv result came back as 1,000 so i begin treatment for that in the morning. I have been let out for the night tonight though so i am going to make the most of it as i will have been in hospital 2 months tomorrow which seems like forever. Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes and i will try and post on here as much as i can when the internet has been sorted in my internet room.

Not going home...

Well i thought yesterday was bad but today was a lot worst. My liver function test was higher than usual yesterday so they didn't want to send me home until they got it sorted but i was allowed overnight leave. I perked up a bit and loved sleeping in a normal bed again and not waking up to a nurse taking my bloods and doing my blood pressure. I didn't make it til midnight last night but Tom keeps saying we were awake but i am not counting it as i was in bed trying to sleep lol. We got to hospital this morning for my bloods checking and then i was looking forward to returning home until tomorrow. Bam it all went wrong when i asked if my CMV result was  back. It had gone up from 1,000 to 14,000 so i start iv treatment again  tonight which is twice a day and as you may have guessed i now have to stay over night whilst i am on it. I was very stressed about staying over night because i find it very difficult to sleep in hospital but they are giving me some zopiclone thankfully so i am in a better mood now. I know i have done well really to get to where i am and the cmv happens to most transaplant patients so i am not alone. I think it jsut takes its toll on you mentally when your told your going home and then your back on iv drugs again. I would rather this hapen now though ,rather than have got discharged and then have to be readmitted etc. I cant complain too much though cos i am very lucky to be out of isolation and able to go home for the day etc.

Going home tomorrow...all been well

After another pucky start to the morning yesterday i perked up a for a little bit. Tom cooked a nice roast for lunch which i really enjoyed. I was getting fed up of living off sandwiches lol. When we got back to hospital in the evening i was in agony with my stomach...maybe it was Tom's cooking hah only joking babes. I couldnt take my meds and had to go straight to bed. I slept badly for the third night in a row as i am having withdrawl symptoms from my sleeping tablets. I will just have to put up with it until my body gets back in to a natural sleep pattern again. I wasn't sick this morning so that was a good start to the day, and Dr Cook was his lovely self when he came to see me. He said i have done really well and that i will be getting kicked out in the morning. I will go home on oral treatment for the cmv and will return to the ward monday for my cmv levels checking. I will then go to clinic on the wednesday for my bloods doing. Dr Cook reminded me that i am no longer under Dr Smith's care which is the only bad news of the day lol. Unless the CMV level is really high tonight then i will be out at some point tomorrow. I just want to add how amazing Tom has been these last 6 weeks, he hasn't seen any of his family over christmas and has spent a fortune to be at the hospital night and day with me so Tom we will spend next xmas with your family and i will look after you as much as i can next year, love me x x

Has had a relaxing day at the mint hotel with Tom...

Thanks to the growth stimulation injection i had yesterday my neuts were above 8 this morning (they had dropped to 1.5 yesterday) so that meant i could be released for the day again. It was snowing at the hospital so Tom asked the nurses if he could take me to the hotel in Leeds so that if the weather got worst we wouldn't be far away. They said no problem as long as i stayed away from people and wrapped up warm. I have spent most of the day in bed as i forgot how comfy they are compared to the hospital ones and tbh my body needed a good rest after having a busy weekend. I have had a lovely tea which has given me maybe just enough energy to get a bath before heading back to my overnight accomadation. I think we may come back here again tomorrow if the weathers the same cos it is a 5 min drive from hospital and the room has 2 tvs which is more than i have at home lol. Before i forget the CMV is still positive so will continue with day release until i get a negative (i hope on thursday) and you never know they might get rid of me on new years eve. I dont think i will stay up til midnight so i aint bothered where i am or what  i am doing as long as i am snuggled up with Tom and got some good music on : )

has had a merry little xmas afterall...

I had a wonderful day yesterday as i was allowed home for a few hours after my xmas dinner. I was like a big kid on xmas eve getting over excited which did not please Tom lol. I recieved a phone call from my favourtie comedian Bill Bailey on xmas eve so whoever sent him the letter about me thank you so much for making my xmas so special. We talked about allsorts of stuff for about 10 minutes and the nurses couldn't believe it was really him lol. Thank you Bill for putting a huge smile on my face. I woke up at 4am on xmas day but managed to go back to sleep til 7 and was greeted by a grumpy Tom cos he had a headache and a cold sore, boo hoo! I slowly opened my presents and did half then and the other half a bit later on. I got loads of nice stuff and i deffo dont need any socks or slipper socks for my birthday lol. The xmas dinner was a disappointment i have to be honest, and my body would agree with that staement. I have had a lovely homemade dinner today though so that has made up for it. I absolutly loved having my bath today i could have stayed in for hours if my skin wasn't so sensitive to the heat which cut my bathtime short. I have borrowed a coat off my nan as Tom's coat made me look like paddington bear lol. I will be heading back to the ward shortly but as long as my neuts are ok again tomorrow, i can cope with bedtimes been at hospital for now.

What a week...

Well i thought i was going to be having myself a merry little xmas at home with Tom at the beginning of the week but what a difference a day makes. I had a temp Mon night after i was told i may be kicked out for good at the end of the week. This was providing my sickness was controlled and i was taking all my meds by mouth. However, Tues i found out the CMV was back and meant business as this time it had risen from 6,000 to 42,000! I spent the day been a moody cow as  i am sure Tom will agree as the nicest thing i said to him was that i would head butt him lol. I think i have overdosed on Shameless. Today i have a glisten back in my eye and do actually feel a bit brighter considering my counts have dropped again. My neuts have dropped from 0.87 to 0.55 which is a pain cos i cant go anywhere til they are above 1 grrrr. I have got back in the xmas spirit after having presents brought in from my Dad and Aunty Hannah. I was worried when Tom had more than me last week but i have the most now so that has cheered me up. Had a go on the wii for the frst time since coming in and i really enjoyed it. I am looking forward to my xmas dinner as it is a real turkey and not micro meals. I dont think i have ever been so excited about a meal but i guess that is cos we take things for granted. I have recieved lots of lovely cards so thankyou everyone that has sent them, they have found there way ok. The dietician is very pleased with how much i am managing to eat and it seems to have helped my tummy recover too. It is a good thing i put 5 stone on before i came in cos i would weigh 6 stone now if i hadnt have. I am going to focus on been out for my birthday so i can celerbrate with some shloer and a nice soak in the bath.

Feeling Low...

Just been on Look North and you may have seen i aint looking too well at the moment. I think the hardest part is that it has been 4 weeks since i came into hospital and i am at my worst now. I didn't feel this ill with the TBI and chemo, which i am finding very annoying. I saw Dr Cook this afternoon and he feels that the sickness is down to a reflux problem. My tummy is basically full of acid so everytime i move that is why i am sick. My swab results showed that i have a cold so at least it aint flu but it feels like it is. The body ache is because my magnesium and potassium are low so just having some through my line now. The CMV virus has come back negative so hopefully my counts will flourish. My white count has doubled from 0.21 to 0.45 and my neuts have gone from 0.09 to 0.21 since yesterday which is great. My platelets are 121 so i don't need any transfusions or injections to help my counts come up. Dr Cook is happy with how i am doing and is confident the sickness will be sorted in a couple of days. I think that everything is suddenly getting to me because i left the room the other day and it is christmas next week. I am starting to feel suffocated in my four walls and i am so restless on a night time when Tom has gone. I don't know how i would have got through this without him, the things he as done for me is unbelievable. I feel so empty when he goes and scared about how i will manage to do things. I would be really happy if my counts are normal on christmas day, that would be the best prezzie.

Feeling 'hot 'hot' 'hot'...

Not been on here for so long as  have been quite ill since sunday. I started feeling really sick on Sunday and had a temp since then on and off. I am on new antibiotics and having lots of iv paracetamol which seems to be helping me feel a bit better for half an hour here and there. As you have probably guessed i have been very warm as a result of the temp but i have also been very cold as well. It is highly annoying through the night having to add and remove blankets every hour cos your body can't decide what it the hell it wants. I spent Mon and Tues curled up in bed feeling sorry for myself for the first time since i came in. Last night was a rough night i puked my guts up and had a temp and then this morning puked up a bit more. It takes all your energy not that i had much anyway. The thought of getting in the shower is like been tortured but i am gonna force myself cos well i will smell lol. I had my naso tube out on monday cos i had started eating loads over weekend and was taking my meds by mouth then i become ill again. I wont have another tube though as already had 2. Dr Cook made me laugh when he said that the naso tube was welded to my face so it needed to come out lol. I was very emotional earlier when i went for some x rays as i had forgot what it is like outside of my room. I had forgot that there are people lol. I wore a mask which made me feel safe but i doubt it did anything useful for me lol. There was some live music going on downstairs which was amazing to hear for half a minute. I had a x ray of my tummy and face done to check that there ok cos bin in pain with them. It would appear i have flu but awaiting the swab results to confirm it. I think that is all i have to report for now.